So Arch, You Could Build a Cathedral On 'Em.

So, we know all about how Queen Muse are. The backing vocals, the imperviousness to ridicule, the painstaking layering. This refers of course to the time when Queen really did build Sonic Cathedrals of Sound, rather than spending months evidently getting a synthesizer to go "parp".

But how Metal are they? On the day of the Loincloth Revolution, when Death comes at last to False Metal, will they be lined up against the wall next to Jon BJ, or will they be knighted (order of Olympus Mons) next to Lemmy? Lemmy, like Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, says his band isn't Heavy Metal; they are all wrong, and they have missed a key point: it isn't up to them. I digress - although the Zeppelin connection is apposite; it doesn't matter how many reggae songs you do nor how much folk, if you put Stonehenge on your stage you are Metal. So it's not all about the riff quotient; "In Through the Out Door" is part of the Metal Canon, even if "In the Evening" is the only song on it which is Metal in and of itself.

So, let's look at the evidence. A first album that sounds like watered-down Radiohead? Ah, not helpful, or indeed good in any sense whatsoever. Still, let's carry on. Song called "Assassin"? Better. Song called "Assassin" with a galloping riff and which contains the lyric "destroy demonocracy"? Much better. Songs about celestial phenomena? Positively Rush! Having your guitars custom built with all sorts of gimmicks, and calling them "Mattocasters", you yourself being called Matt? Sterling work. Duffel coats? Oh dear. Video where the band ride spaceships away from exploding planets? Now that should be good, but Linkin Park have been up to that sort of thing too, and they are False, False, False, and knobshiners to boot.

Hmm. But what about a song called "Knights of Cydonia"? That's promising. What about a song called "Knights of Cydonia" which actually features the sound of galloping horses? My hands desperately want to do the horn thing, but I think we need a clincher. So, go and listen to "Supermassive Black Hole". Listen to the way he delivers the title. Why does he pronounce "Hole" like that? Well, I wonder if you could write that down phonetically, somehow. Some way of showing precisely how he does that vowel sound. Ah, yes, of course. "Supermassive Black Höle". QED.